I've had the weirdest past 2 months of my life, grief is very strange
I knew there was life before my grandma died and after. You know it is a call that is coming but when you get it it is stranger that you can imagine. My grandma was my biggest believer in me but i talked to her the least amount ever in the past year. I am very sad about that and mad too. It is because I realized I was a lesbian and came out and wasn't sure how she would feel about that. I wish I wasn't scared to tell her who I really was. This past year I was trying to be a lesbian in Wyoming. I wasn't sure how to do it here or anywhere. But with the recent murder by ICE of Renee Good, I realized I need to be louder than ever about being a lesbian. I realized I have a lot of power and privilege being a white woman, and late in life lesbian and I look pretty straight. And I know a lot of people in my local community because I have lived here most of my life. I've lived a lot of different lives here. The Cowgirl Mermaid gives me great protection. So i can speak up when others may feel it is not as safe for them to do so. It doesn't mean Im not scared. Why the local newspaper pulled out and re-printed a 29 year old photo of me as a child that is deeply triggering a couple weeks ago still blows my mind. I'm glad i took to social media to call them out, i have had so many people letting me know they support me and telling me their tales about how the local newspaper blew up their spot too and made them feel unsafe. The thing about a small town, esp this big money small town it is like a micro version of what is happening on the national level. The newspaper has no competition so they get to be loose. I'm so mad about the entire situation. I'm so mad about a lot of things right now.
Safety I realize is the word of the year. So many people feel very unsafe right now and have for a long time in this country. I'm trying to rack my brain what to do. One idea I came up with is finding and building safety. Find safe people and places where you live, in real life. Safety is different depending on what marginalized group you find yourself in. But we need to all come together in solidarity. If you are not scared right now that means you have the most power and privilege to give and use to help others. I want to be the most prideful after our government shot a fellow lesbian because pride is resistance. I want to look out for all the kids i teach in our community right now because its scary to be a kid and see all that is happening in our country and not really understand. The adults don't even understand. I want to know the places I can go and the people I can call if I need to take a breath. The people and places I can send others too so they can feel safe. There are many of them around. I want to figure out how to help the people in Minnesota that are standing up for the rest of the country as the federal government targets them to make everyone fearful. RESIST!
But also I am trying to build an art business from scratch, take care of myself and my puppy and try to not isolate and as someone told me recently you should probably try to fit in some fun. Oh and maybe figure out how on earth I'm going to go on a date. I can't be a lesbian all alone. But one day at a time, baby steps. I can feel my grandma looking out for me and she was a real Minnesota lady. The last day I spent with her was up north at the lake in the cabin her dad build 95 years ago. In Minnesota. We went swimming together and laughed a lot. I loved her laugh and she was sooo funny she made me laugh so hard all the time. OMG this is all so hard but I'll keep sewing drawing skiing sharing caring and see what happens next.
Local community is more important that ever.
LOVE > power
xoxo Courtney