The Cowgirl Mermaid came to me at a time when I needed something to guide me to a new life. I had spent my life doing what I thought I had to do, not always what I wanted to do. Except be a fashion designer no one told me I had to do that, I knew I had to follow that dream. I've followed that dream all over the place.
The Cowgirl Mermaid really did come to me, I kept seeing her around. I always wondered what she wanted to wear. Courtney always dressed pretty plain for how much I loved clothes. When you design for someone else you have to ride for the brand and my personal aesthetic always got caught up in that. But then The Cowgirl Mermaid came along.
I wanted to start sharing the treasures I had found and made. I was scared to do it, what if no one else thought they were cool? But maybe if I pretended to be The Cowgirl Mermaid people would listen a little better. She was so confident and cool, she did not care what anyone thought of her. She found all these treasures under the sea and brought them out to share. When I put on the cowboy hat and mermaid style I felt all those things. When I was alone as Courtney being confident is very difficult, but to get into art drag well lets go!!!
It worked very well, people that ignored Courtney were drawn to The Cowgirl Mermaid. Everything has changed since. Eventually I didn't have to dress up as her anymore my personal style had morphed into just what it was. I learned I love to wear whatever I want, where ever I want. It felt so right. But I still very much need the protection of The Cowgirl Mermaid. She is there when I make my internet content, telling me, just go for it! She loves to put on a show, I realized I love to be seen. Social Media is a good place to practice being seen, then it gets easier in real life too.
But you can't hide in the phone and never leave. I do not want to do that, I love interacting with people but it does scare me and overwhelm me at the same time. Who am I when meeting people IRL, Courtney or The Cowgirl Mermaid? If you came for The Cowgirl Mermaid will you stay for Courtney?
Courtney is a lot messier and more complicated. I have been re-meeting myself in my new authentic space as a lesbian. This has not been easy at all. It has been a lot of tears and fears. I have survived a lot in my life and instead of running now I sit and face it. I can't just sit and heal alone though. I have to go out and interact and that's when the mess really starts to appear. How do I do this as myself and not hide in the shadow of the archetype I created as protection. To be seen just as myself with no performance. It will be the only way to meet the connections I crave but it is brutal in practice. To mess up, say the wrong thing, just be wrong in general. I love getting it right, I love when it works out. I hate when I don't know what Im doing, it feels excruciating. Yet I'm learning to sit in uncomfortable emotions, just sit with any emotion and ride it out, not try to fix but just feel. I know I am being me in those moments.
I didn't know how far away from myself I had gotten before I met The Cowgirl Mermaid. She helped guide me back through my art and my outfits. We've had so much fun along the way. She will always have my back. I am excited to be Courtney now, learn who I am messy and all.
xo COURTNEY